This was the worst dining room ever in history, In the center of a 18 story building surronded by 3 walls
and in the middle was a path way to the kitchen. This Room never saw Sun light,
It always had that yellow dim 80's light i saw years later on an acid trip i never remembered till now.
My uncle had passed away.
My dad tells us with a breathe of relief and a sigh of pain, but no tears.
He sat at the table for a second and took a moment, Then the house resumed
back to its regularly separation of rooms, my parents in theirs, my sisters in hers,
my brother in the living room getting ready to return some NES games my dad let us
rent from the video store near the house.
My brother took me with him and i was aware of my uncle passed but i didn't get grief yet.
I this death as a feeling everyone else was feeling but i felt nothing.
I didn't really get it because i had no emotional connection to my uncle, He lived with
my grandmother and never came out of his room except to get a 2 liter of soda, or some
snacks. Occasionally he would go to the store and come back with a pack of Newport.
Later i guess i put it together he would also use this time to re-up on drugs.I didn't find out any of this
till i was older and understood, and would over hear my aunts talking in my grandmothers house
where all the sister-in laws would gather to gossip over the family juice.
I walked with my brother to the video store and didn't really get why he went the long way but i guess that was
his greif. We talked about it for a second and i didn't know how to act but angry. I made the most stupidest
statement of my life which now in retrospect makes me think of how much as kids were taught but how little
we get. Things change meaning as you get older.
"if anyone says 'your whole generation', you just watch."
My brother said nothing. I felt immediately he knew i didn't get it.
For me it was more of a matter of pride and my families feelings and wanted to protect them.
I had no emotional feelings of grief, or sadness.
How could i? I only knew my uncle from when we banged on his door and he would yell, sometimes
nothing...and now nothing for the remainder of time, he was written out of my life before i could gather
a good idea of who he was. I knew he went to nam, I knew he was fucked up, I knew he was a shut in.
I knew he did heroine. I knew he shared his needles, and that's what did him in.
I knew everyone was sad about his passing, but i didn't know why.
I don't mourn the sadness, i mourn the lack of who i didn't know.
I sometimes feel i probably would've been more connected to him then any of my other uncles,
I would've learned what part of life cause him to go so inside. I feel i have more in common with him
then id life to admit.
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