The first time i met her...

The first time I met her…I was still in school, We met at an early class that we both enjoyed. I remember A lot of colder days, But she always wore these small white ankle

length  Patten leather boots, for that semester anyway.

I can’t really remember to well, since it was so long ago but now that I think about I remember her wearing them all year long.

Our first conversation was right about lunch. I guess in our own elementary way critiqued each others lunch.

Peanut butter jelly vs. Cold Grill cheese.

Of course just to let you know the weird cold grill cheese was mine.

Why wouldn’t be? Kind of always my luck to be the left shoe.

This would follow me ever to this day.

I gave myself A few conversations before we be came on a first name basis.

Anita.

She was some sort of south American, The darkest black hair I’ve ever seen, Even

For someone as fair skinned as her it stood out against her powered skin.

She had one of the mini accents, but Americanized.

If that makes sense.

For the earliest part of the semester its fairly easy to talk to the prettiest girl you

Have ever seen in your life. Even with all my insecurities I couldn’t not talk to her.

Growing up I had image issues. I got called fat early and learned the world is cruel.

I really don’t think it was my fault, but living where I grew up I cant blame my parents

For keeping me inside rather then having me see addicts at their worse. Without

Much supervision I learned when my parents were at work how to watch the clock and

Count down time. Spending your time with your older sister by 6 years kind of takes away the fantasy of childhood.

It’s not really practical to raise children and hope for a life to grow, for a plant to bloom in the darkest of places. Seeing what addiction did to so many souls and how they still walk around like slaves, I recall riding my bike on a good day thinking I could never become that, As if I was a stronger person, or I was immune to life.

I was naive. This memory came back flooding one time while I was high out my mind, rather then learn to swim away I swam deeper, I’ll come back to that later.

Around the middle of the semester I secured my friendship with her, but it only took time before the rest of the world took notice.

Louis.

Louis was this south American tiny cliché. He was short skinner didn’t have big ears or even an idea what it felt like to even question your self image. We fought once but i was the only one who knew why, he found my weakness and jealousy. I lost. I lost her shortly after that.

Anita started following Louis at lunch instead of my keeping her company,

The more painfull it became to show up everyday the more I felt the absence of everyone in my life. As the end of the school year went on I would watch her from further and further till one day I found out what the difference is between fantasy and real life was.

It was Spring and everyone was in the Spring mood. Warm weather and nothing was a better site then those white boots walking up the stairs in the morning from a afar. I had watched a movie on TV, The princess bride. I Felt the Torture of my love with another while I “fought” to be noticed and not let the distance drive my heart mad.

I decided to talk to her while Louis was in the park as she watched him.

At first it was very similar, very normal and the conversation ran it course to the quiet point, I swallowed my throat and my nerves begin to go crazy. My heart was pounding, I had the shakes, and I thought I was going to shit myself. I begin to stutter as I said

“Anita?” I really like you. Can I hold your hand all the time?”

She laughed.

I started to tear up…But luckily by then it was time to go back to class.

I sat at my desk looking at the back of her head and those fucking boots.

I looked at her from afar till the end of the year, Every time I passed Louis he would be happy to see me. I automatically knew why when I saw them at lunch holding hands.

Every smile after that I assumed was his way of saying “She’s mines fat boy”.

At that point Even if it wasn’t true I believed it. Deep in my heart.

I would spend the rest of the year after school in my room watching TV. Waiting for something, someone, Just always fanaticizing of a world where things went according to plan.

Morbid thinking from a kindergartner, If you ask me.