I heard a knock, I opened the door. To my breathe that left my chest i apologize.
This was not my fault, I've been up far to long. I made the mistake of looking into the
sun, before moving aside to let the crowd in.

going past empty

Last night i had a dream...we drove for miles. We drove without looking at the gas gauge
The road was surrounded by beautiful dry desert. It went on for a life time.
It was the the kind of road with no destination, no rest stops.A few gas stations just
to keep you on the journey.The radio played station hadn't been touched the whole trip,
so i assume the music was fine.
Our hands on top of each others like grasping on for dear life with out the fear
of sweat or cramping...
And we drove deeper...
We drive past the grand canyon with out giving it a look, We drive past Vegas and you turn over
to not let the lights bother you. We drive past the Hollywood sign and give it the finger.
We drove even further...
The yellow on the divider hasn't been repainted in decades, and her sunglasses aren't 
wide enough to hide the happy in your eyes. We make it to towns where we
blend in, We talk about settling down but always find the best reasons to laugh about
why we couldn't live here. We disagree to disagree just so we can agree to talk about how
much we don't agree on.This conversation goes on for hours past the point we forgot
how the conversation started in the first place.
We sip on warm waters and wonder weather it was gas or a skunk as we both deny it,
and save the truth for a more vile moment. We see farms, and cities and criticize the lifestyles
it takes to find contemporary peace, and find the double edge swords of both lives.
We drove even further...
We pull over and laid on the hood and look at stars we've never noticed were there,
watch for shooting stars and talk till i notice you haven't answered back in some time.
You fell asleep under the stars, and left me talking to myself. I don't mind, i cover you up
and lean back and dream about us growing old, laughing at how we aged, and still deny
the gas being passed.I Watch your chest moving up and down, and imagine with each
exhale its a moment of peace for you, Its the kind of quiet where the ocean could be
mistakable for the rhythm of your sleep and it can put me to sleep.I drift into a sleep
next to you trying not to wake you with the excitement of being so peacefully next to you.
Trying to contort my body to easily fit in to the puzzle you are.Finding the perfect slither
of blanket you left me,and i feel your slightly lock yourself into us...

And then i woke up. 

There's nothing more sad then deleting a  well thought out written sentence explaining all of your feelings trying to be summed up with words, that cant even full express how you feel. These are just the words i have been given in my small time on this planet, and i wish i was more creative to paint the perfect setting, or write the tear jerking symphony with Violins that just fill your heart with such passion it almost explodes in your body. My arms would be sore from crafting the world to express my heart if i was able to create life on my own, The seas would all be calm, everywhere would be a few miles from the beach, and the sun would always warm your skin. The wind would always blow your hair just the right amount, and the clouds would always resemble all the good things from your childhood, The stars would always shine and leave us talking to the sunrise every morning.

Now I lay myself down to sleep, I pray the lord myself to sleep, if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take...what's left of it anyway.

The long way around the shortcut

I distinctly remember the day i heard the news, I was sitting in my parents dining room at the time.

This was the worst dining room ever in history, In the center of a 18 story building surronded by 3 walls 

and in the middle was a path way to the kitchen. This Room never saw Sun light, 

It always had that yellow dim 80's light i saw years later on an acid trip i never remembered till now.

My uncle had passed away. 

My dad tells us with a breathe of relief and a sigh of pain, but no tears.

He sat at the table for a second and took a moment, Then the house resumed

back to its regularly separation of rooms, my parents in theirs, my sisters in hers,

my brother in the living room getting ready to return some NES games my dad let us

rent from the video store near the house.

My brother took me with him and i was aware of my uncle passed but i didn't get grief yet.

I this death as a feeling everyone else was feeling but i felt nothing.

I didn't really get it because i had no emotional connection to my uncle, He lived with 

my grandmother and never came out of his room except to get a 2 liter of soda, or some

snacks. Occasionally he would go to the store and come back with a pack of Newport.

Later i guess i put it together he would also use this time to re-up on drugs.I didn't find out any of this 

till i was older and understood, and would over hear my aunts talking in my grandmothers house

where all the sister-in laws would gather to gossip over the family juice.

I walked with my brother to the video store and didn't really get why he went the long way but i guess that was

his greif. We talked about it for a second and i didn't know how to act but angry. I made the most stupidest 

statement of my life which now in retrospect makes me think of how much as kids were taught but how little

we get. Things change meaning as you get older.

"if anyone says 'your whole generation', you just watch." 

My brother said nothing. I felt immediately he knew i didn't get it.

For me it was more of a matter of pride and my families feelings and wanted to protect them.

I had no emotional feelings of grief, or sadness. 

How could i? I only knew my uncle from when we banged on his door and he would yell, sometimes 

nothing...and now nothing for the remainder of time, he was written out of my life before i could gather

a good idea of who he was. I knew he went to nam, I knew he was fucked up, I knew he was a shut in.

I knew he did heroine. I knew he shared his needles, and that's what did him in. 

I knew everyone was sad about his passing, but i didn't know why.

I don't mourn the sadness, i mourn the lack of who i didn't know.

I sometimes feel i probably would've been more connected to him then any of my other uncles,

I would've learned what part of life cause him to go so inside. I feel i have more in common with him

then id life to admit. 

The first time i met her...

The first time I met her…I was still in school, We met at an early class that we both enjoyed. I remember A lot of colder days, But she always wore these small white ankle

length  Patten leather boots, for that semester anyway.

I can’t really remember to well, since it was so long ago but now that I think about I remember her wearing them all year long.

Our first conversation was right about lunch. I guess in our own elementary way critiqued each others lunch.

Peanut butter jelly vs. Cold Grill cheese.

Of course just to let you know the weird cold grill cheese was mine.

Why wouldn’t be? Kind of always my luck to be the left shoe.

This would follow me ever to this day.

I gave myself A few conversations before we be came on a first name basis.

Anita.

She was some sort of south American, The darkest black hair I’ve ever seen, Even

For someone as fair skinned as her it stood out against her powered skin.

She had one of the mini accents, but Americanized.

If that makes sense.

For the earliest part of the semester its fairly easy to talk to the prettiest girl you

Have ever seen in your life. Even with all my insecurities I couldn’t not talk to her.

Growing up I had image issues. I got called fat early and learned the world is cruel.

I really don’t think it was my fault, but living where I grew up I cant blame my parents

For keeping me inside rather then having me see addicts at their worse. Without

Much supervision I learned when my parents were at work how to watch the clock and

Count down time. Spending your time with your older sister by 6 years kind of takes away the fantasy of childhood.

It’s not really practical to raise children and hope for a life to grow, for a plant to bloom in the darkest of places. Seeing what addiction did to so many souls and how they still walk around like slaves, I recall riding my bike on a good day thinking I could never become that, As if I was a stronger person, or I was immune to life.

I was naive. This memory came back flooding one time while I was high out my mind, rather then learn to swim away I swam deeper, I’ll come back to that later.

Around the middle of the semester I secured my friendship with her, but it only took time before the rest of the world took notice.

Louis.

Louis was this south American tiny cliché. He was short skinner didn’t have big ears or even an idea what it felt like to even question your self image. We fought once but i was the only one who knew why, he found my weakness and jealousy. I lost. I lost her shortly after that.

Anita started following Louis at lunch instead of my keeping her company,

The more painfull it became to show up everyday the more I felt the absence of everyone in my life. As the end of the school year went on I would watch her from further and further till one day I found out what the difference is between fantasy and real life was.

It was Spring and everyone was in the Spring mood. Warm weather and nothing was a better site then those white boots walking up the stairs in the morning from a afar. I had watched a movie on TV, The princess bride. I Felt the Torture of my love with another while I “fought” to be noticed and not let the distance drive my heart mad.

I decided to talk to her while Louis was in the park as she watched him.

At first it was very similar, very normal and the conversation ran it course to the quiet point, I swallowed my throat and my nerves begin to go crazy. My heart was pounding, I had the shakes, and I thought I was going to shit myself. I begin to stutter as I said

“Anita?” I really like you. Can I hold your hand all the time?”

She laughed.

I started to tear up…But luckily by then it was time to go back to class.

I sat at my desk looking at the back of her head and those fucking boots.

I looked at her from afar till the end of the year, Every time I passed Louis he would be happy to see me. I automatically knew why when I saw them at lunch holding hands.

Every smile after that I assumed was his way of saying “She’s mines fat boy”.

At that point Even if it wasn’t true I believed it. Deep in my heart.

I would spend the rest of the year after school in my room watching TV. Waiting for something, someone, Just always fanaticizing of a world where things went according to plan.

Morbid thinking from a kindergartner, If you ask me.

I am dying in nyc. I can feel the world growing around me, 

Moving in slow-motion film all the while I shift frames . 

never growing. Slightly moving out of position but never in size.

The world goes past me lighter then traffic, blinding so high. 

My sun spots just a reminder every .05 seconds of the soul

just lost in the universe. 

Erasing entire sentences from existence, Just cause i rather not

expose how much of myself is really static. I am the weak in shallow

water, shivering, walking over jagged rocks wrapped in a blanket with

her smell from twenty years ago. 

a man in a cave posing as a hermit when indeed the man is 

afraid of the world not the other way around.